Building Better Moments
Building Better Moments
and truth effects in the real world
Just one second
A little saying that helped change my life came to me from a woman who’s spent decades helping families live and grow peacefully. Her words may seem obvious on first hearing, even underwhelming. But taken to heart, they hold a power to break destructive habits, shift negative dynamics, and transform lives from turbulence and tension towards calm and healing.
Ready for them?
Here they are:
It only takes a second to do better.
My mentor and friend, Sandra Dodd, authored this pithy piece of wisdom and it helped work a miracle in my heart and home. I’ve written about that metamorphosis before in a different context, so to save time I’ll re-share it here, though revised to explicate where “it only takes a second to do better” was central to the process. But first, I want to note how this small phrase is particularly useful when we’re disposed to declare “I’m having a bad day.”
When we get stuck in disappointments or worry, hurt or anger I’m having a bad day neatly holds our feelings of conflict. But it also disempowers us. Because barring times of genuine tragedy, it’s rarely true. A single day spans 86,400 seconds of which we are awake for roughly 60,000. So it’s worth challenging the impulse to write-off all those scores of thousands of moments; branding an entire day “bad” holds within it tacit surrender of any responsibility (think: response-ability) to change it. It secures our own permission to occupy that space of negativity, perhaps even excuse ourselves from its impacts on others. When tempted to adopt the story then, imagine how your day might change if instead of saying “I’m having a bad day” you said “I had a bad moment,” and then stepped forward into the next one with the knowledge that you can make it better. With the intention to do better.
(Caveat: I’m not suggesting guilting ourselves for failing to make every moment count—an unattainable ideal if ever there was one. Self-recrimination is its own paralyzing chapter in the Bad Day story because it keeps us mired when the point is to get unstuck. Letting go of reflexive negativity, be it a thought pattern, a dynamic, or a behavior, is the idea. Letting go of the whole “it is bad”/“I am bad” story is the point, the empowering step forward.)
For the proof in the pudding, I offer, as promised, myself:
There was time when I felt consumed by discouragement about the lack of harmony in our home. I held a story in my head of a perfect family . . . peaceful, relaxed, connected . . . and I wanted that to be us. I wanted an end to arguments and unkind words; I wanted our home overflowing with warmth, happy laughter, and cooperation.
I was so attached to this picture of who I thought we should be that when disputes arose or mean things were said, frustration would well up in me over how far we were from my perfect vision. Then I’d react—with chastising, blaming, shaming. My thoughts were so caught up in my story, my energy so mired in how everyone around me “should” be acting, that I would lash out with impatience and acrimony . . . and compound the problem.
But things began to shift when I started practicing mindfulness.
By learning to become present in the moment and check in with my thoughts, I could see that I was caught up in a story. I discovered that open space where I could breathe and remember: it only takes a second to do better. Grasping the truth that the moment just in front of me truly was independent of my current one allowed choices to come into focus: a different tone of voice, a change in posture, words that might relax tension, possible solutions to the conflict, opportunities to stay silent. Becoming present to both the moment and the potential of the next allowed me to respond helpfully to my reality, rather than reflexively to the fantasy I’d been focused upon.
Through continual practice of noticing, remembering, and choosing, I eventually shifted into a more responsive head- and heart-space where the understanding and connection I yearned for actually became possible. The path opened towards healing and peace.
The power of “it only takes a second to do better” comes from the shift it initiates out of reactivity into personal agency. Tuning into the moment helps untether us from habitual thinking and reflexive action because it carries intrinsic awareness that each second provides its own opportunities and choices. It lifts us out of the decided past or undecided future—wherever we happen to be stuck—and lands us on a precious truth: this moment . . . and the next . . .hold the possibility of a new direction in our story that is always waiting to be written.
Truth and transformations
On a related note . . . if you read my Silver Linings post you may remember these quotes, one from Emanuel Swedenborg:
Every split second of our life carries with it a series of consequences that continues forever. Each moment is like a new starting point for another series, and this is true for each and every moment of life in both our intellect and our will.
And another from Louise Hay:
The point of power is always in the present moment.
Both these thoughts bring to mind a second nugget of Sandra gold:
How you live in the moment affects how you live in the hour, and the day, and the lifetime.
Such a simple statement, yet profoundly true. Its call to mindfulness, the promise it holds—of freedom, of choice, of growth—inspires me. What I love about contemplating these three quotes together is that they demonstrate to me how there is genuine power in true ideas. Divine power, actually, because God is the origin of truth . . . Truth Itself. This is why something as simple as recognizing that each moment carries its own potential can positively change lives. Because when we adopt even a single true idea that inspires us to think and to will in a higher way . . . to rise above our selves so that we begin to act from agape—love that is not self centered . . . we find healing. Spiritual transformation is an inherent property of genuine truth because when a true idea is lived from a desire for the good it holds, it brings us into connection with the Divine. To this point, Swedenborg says
it is the constant objective of Divine providence to unite good to truth and truth to good in a person, for thus is a person united to the Lord. Divine Providence §21
True ideas have such power to bring goodness into our lives because truth and goodness are one at their Source. So when we see that we are caught up in false ideas, or in thrall to self-centered desires or ego impulses, truth is what has power to guide us into goodness, into connection with our higher self and with others because it is from God and leads to God. It lights the path for spiritual healing. As He said Himself: I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
To sign off, I’ll leave you with another favorite truth in keeping with our topic:
There’s nothing like a solid reminder, in black and white, that dwelling on the goodness in our lives builds a healing reflex all its own; a grateful heart goes a long way to nurturing our spiritual wellness.